A Brief Guide About Stuff I Wish I Knew Sooner

 

I am staying here in China, maybe not Beijing forever, but China most definitely. I love it here, there is just something about the people, culture and language that excites and invigorates my soul; maybe I was Chinese in a past life? But seriously, this place is my home; America is my country, but China is most certainly my home. But in the past China did not feel the same way as I do, or, the government didn't feel the same way as I do, because it seemed like they were doing everything to make getting a visa and staying here legally as hard as possible. I have something like 15 Chinese visas in my old passport, so many that I had to get a new damn passport altogether, and I have been to Hong Kong about a dozen times just to get a new visa. They couldn't defeat me, though! I am still here and I am still standing, and I am planning on keeping it that way.

So for those fellow expats of mine that wish to stay here indefinitely, or at least for an extended period of time, I wanted to pen a brief article about a couple of things that have made my life here in Beijing a bit easier. And, as I've said before, any products or services I speak about within this article are those which I have personally used and found helpful; I have not, nor shall I in the future, receive any pay, preferential treatment or discounted services for speaking about any company or product in my posts. I am writing about these things simply because I like them.

VPN's

 

First thing's first, a VPN. Every discerning foreigner in Beijing certainly needs a VPN, be it for Facebook, Netflix, Gmail, porno (you can't lie to me...) or anything else our laowai hearts may desire, we need one. It's a bit silly that the government blocks so much of the internet here in China, I mean hell, even Blogger is blocked, but it is the reality of life in China so if you want to access the outside world, you need a VPN.

Personal Experience

When I first moved to Beijing I used PandaPow VPN, which I would generally recommend (but stay tuned for some free options in a few paragraphs) as the connection was always stable (except for about a month but they extended my membership to compensate) and they had a wide variety of servers to connect to which comes in really handy when watching Netflix (as a brief aside, TV show and film rights are cheaper in Northern Europe as opposed to the US or UK, so if your favorite show or movie isn't on Netflix anymore, try switching your IP address to Finland or Norway, chances are they will have it). PandaPow was great, it works across Mac, Windows and Android (sorry fellow Linux users) and was 84USD for a year. They even have a router for sale with a built in VPN now for 99USD A year, which I kind of want to buy now that I've seen it.

What My Friends Love

Next up is Astrill, which I have never used personally but many of my friends have it and they love it, plus it supports Linux. My buddy J has been using it for almost four years here in Beijing and in that entire time he only complained about a lack of connectivity once. I go over to his house often and we watch Always Sunny and Rick and Morty, and Astrill always provides us with an impressively fast and lag free connection. Here is the real kicker though: Astrill defeats deep packet inspection, doesn't keep logs and accepts bitcoin, meaning your internet history will be known to none, so you can do whatever the hell you want without fear of anyone (the government) invading your privacy. Not only does Astrill value privacy, the VPN works across Mac, Windows, Linux, Android, smart TV's, Apple TV and on Boxee. A subscription is 70USD per year and their VPN routers start at 50USD. You know what, screw PandaPow, I would say go for Astrill, unless of course, you want a free VPN.

The Free Stuff

There are two well known VPN's that are made specifically to circumvent the Great Firewall and provide unfettered internet access to those within Mainland China, as well as Iran, Russia, Belarus and Cuba: they are Freegate and Ultrasurf. Now, these projects exist to provide people stuck behind enemy lines access to US based IP address, simple enough, right? That means that while user security is a high priority, they do log your data and restrict access to illegal content, meaning no porno. I know, I know, pure insanity! But both of these services are free and quite reliable, and they don't know about every porn site out there, so remember boys and girls, there is a way around everything. I would say download these two just to have them, they're free, so why not?

In addition to the four VPN's I have spoken about, there are literally a million others made specifically for use in China, such as HideMyAss,  ExpressVPN, VyprVPN and TorGuard. So before you make a purchase remember to research all of your options thoroughly to find the VPN that will work best for you. And while all of these VPN's are pretty great, after doing research for this article I would really suggest going with Astrill, all my friends that use it swear by it, and it works for Linux!

The Not So Sexy Sex Stuff

 

One thing that no one, foreigners or locals, ever told me about when I first came to China was the birds and the bees. And no I don't mean the talk, already had that, and no I don't mean about picking up Chinese chicks, already gots me a girl, I mean about condoms, STD tests, birth control and abortions. We are all well versed, I hope, about pregnancy and STD prevention in our countries of origin, but in China these sort of things can often be tricky, and not just because Chinese people rarely talk about sex. When I worked at my last job and would hang out with all of the local guys, they would never ever ever talk about sex, mostly about video games and basketball, it was mind blowing! Among my foreign friends it seems like sex is all we ever talk about; cultural differences I guess... But because of the general lack of information on such less than savory topics I wanted to offer up what I know to my fellow expats. Here we go.

STD's and Condoms

Please for god's sake use condoms. I know that they suck, and I know you wouldn't put a plastic bag on your head so why would you want to put one on your Johnson? Because nobody likes an unexpected pregnancy, and because everybody hates STDs. So be safe, please please please, be safe. STD's are not hugely prevalent in China like they are in America (in my home city something like 1 in 4 people had an STD, scary stuff), but they do exist; China is home to all of the classics, like HIV/AIDs, hepatitis, herpes and syphilis. One of the problems with the spread of STD's in Chins is the lack of sex education in public schools which is utterly deplorable, coupled with the beliefs that many Chinese people hold concerning STD's, like the one time a local friend told me AID's only affects foreigners because he had never met a Chinese person with AID's. I wanted to smack him right in the mouth for that idiocy! Both of those beliefs are far from true: in 2014 alone the rate of AIDs cases increased 15% (source). Not only is HIV/AIDs on the rise, but the rate of syphilis increased almost 20 times from 1990 to 1998, gonorrhea rates tripled in that time and the incidence of STD contractions outside of marriage shot up from 55%  in 1995 to 72% in 1998 (source).

What does all of this mean? Possibly that abstinence is our only hope? No, never, abstinence sucks! What this means is that you need to remember to use protection, guys and girls alike, and that you should maybe avoid one night stands and try to get to know the person first. Now I know what you're thinking: "Joe, get to know the person first? When did this blog become a lesson in Amish morality?". Look, all I'm trying to do is keep my fellow foreigners safe in China and give you relevant information so you can make informed decisions. If you want to troll the clubs of Sanlitun looking for dudes or chicks to bang-a-rang, I am not going to try and stop you, but I would have say you may not live as long as most.

Let's get right down to it: Durex and Okamoto are the two brands of condoms I would recommend purchasing in China. What I would really recommend is bringing condoms from home or stocking up in Japan or Hong Kong, but if you have to buy them in the Mainland, these are the brands I personally use and trust. Okamoto are my normal go-to brand; I buy them off Taobao from sellers with good reviews that have selling condoms for a long time. Some of their condoms do run a bit small (I am not trying to brag, they just are honestly kind of tight), so check out a few different versions to find the right fit, so to speak. As well, they make non-latex condoms for anyone that may be allergic and they are super thin for enhanced pleasure (I know there's a joke in there somewhere but I am drawing a blank, dammit). Oh, before I forget, 避孕套 (bì yùn tào) is condom in Chinese.

Onto Durex, which are easily the most ubiquitous Western brand of condom in China. If you haven't seen Durex for sale, you've obviously never been in a 7-11, Full Time CVS, Carrefour, BHG or pharmacy in Beijing. They are everywhere and easily available. I would suggest purchasing them from a chain retailer such as Carrefour or 7-11, as the chance of buying counterfeit condoms from international chain stores is much lower than if you buy them from some random convenience store or that guy that sells cigs and rubbers across from Muse on Dirty Bar Street in between the north and south village. Either way, when you buy a new pack make sure to crack one open and test it out. Fill it up with a ton of water in the sink, blow it up and tie some balloon animals, stretch it over your shoe; just make sure that it is going to be up to snuff.

But, as always, be very careful when purchasing condoms anywhere in China as counterfeits are rife, and you never want to put anything counterfeit on your head, either of them.

Birth Control Pills

Next up let's talk about birth control pills and the morning after pill, both of which are available OTC in China. This is the way things should be as a government has no right to legislate what a woman can or can't do with her own body; as a body belongs to an individual, so should the individual have full control over the functions of their body. OK, enough of my political spiel, but I think that is just common sense truth.

I honestly don't know too much about birth control/abortion pills in China as I am a man, and my girlfriend and I just use condoms. What I do know is what I have heard from close female Chinese friends about counterfeit birth control products and their subsequent horror stories. Such medication is not something to be fooled around with or taken lightly as they can potentially and irreversibly damage the uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, and counterfeit medicines will do just that. A common complaint from guys in the US about their girlfriends is that their girlfriends say they don't want to go on the pill because they are "allergic", but allergic or not it's their body so it's their decision. A similar complaint about Chinese women could be that they refuse to take the pill because of the problem with counterfeit medications in China and their fear of damaging their reproductive organs, which is something that being true or not, should be taken seriously.

Counterfeit birth control and abortion pills can potentially destroy a woman's reproductive capabilities by causing severe uterine scarring or permanently damaging the ovaries. I cannot stress this enough to both guys and girls: only use such medication that you know to be legitimate. But where can you find the good stuff? I would suggest getting it from a Western hospital, such as one of the many United Family Hospitals, which are Western run hospital that employ foreign (US) trained doctors or Chinese doctors trained in foreign medical practices; I will get into this more in a bit. I would honestly say just stick to condoms, as that is probably the safest option for anyone. If you would like to use birth control pills, consult a Western physician or a close and trusted female Chinese friend that has used such products before.

STD Tests and Hospitals

Now, Beijing offers all foreigners the courtesy of a standard STD test when getting that god awful medical check up for a Z visa. But I have asked and I don't think it is a full STD test, in fact that doctors didn't know themselves, all they knew was that if a foreigner tests positive for HIV/AIDs they will not be issued a Z visa. If you want a real STD test, I would once again recommend the United Family Hospital system, for several reasons.

In China, there is no such thing as doctor patient confidentiality, doctors do not take nor are they bound by the Hippocratic Oath, and it only takes five years of schooling to become a medical doctor. I don't mean any offense to the Chinese medical system, actually I do mean some, but the practice of medicine in this country is quite lack luster and leaves a lot to be desired. That isn't to say that Chinese hospitals are all bad, if you have a simple cold, a broken bone, or need an MRI, Chinese hospitals are fairly adept at treating such and are significantly cheaper than their Western counterparts. In fact, I broke my foot back in October while on vacation in the US. To get an MRI there would have been about 1000USD as I do not have insurance, but when I came back home and got an MRI here it was less than 800Rmb; huge difference.

Sorry about the tangent, let's get back to why you shouldn't use a Chinese hospital for something like an STD test, or any other sensitive medical procedure. Chinese doctors do not take a Hippocratic Oath nor do they respect doctor patient confidentiality. This means that if someone does take an STD test at a Chinese hospital, and god forbid, tests positive for HIV/AIDs, the hospital will inform the government and that persons' visa will be immediately revoked. So for your own personal privacy and the sake of your visa, always get tested at a Western hospital. It will be a bit more expensive, but at the end of the day it is worth the price.

Abortions

The same goes for abortions, which I would hope are unnecessary as you should be using birth control in all honesty, but if someone needs one they should always seek to have such a procedure preformed at a Western hospital. Again, this is something I can't really speak to as my girlfriend and I practice safe sex, and I hate the thought of having a child so I do everything I can to prevent pregnancy, but I would suggest asking a close and trusted female Chinese friend, searching on Google for what Western hospitals perform abortions, or ringing up United Family to see what they have to say on the subject. Whatever the case, be safe; having an abortion performed by unqualified medical personnel can possibly result in irreversible, painful or even life threatening damage.

As well, ladies, always use Western hospitals for your gynecological needs. If you want to hear a real horror story about doctor patient rapport and painful examinations, ask a Chinese girl about her last trip to the Chinese gynecologist.

Visa's and Visa Services

This is a subject that I really could have used a crash course in when I first arrived in China as my visa nightmares started almost immediately. For a series of idiotic reasons I had to change my visa about a month after I arrived, luckily I was able to do it here in Beijing, but that usually isn't the case and I only got that lucky once. Like most people, every other time I need a visa I had to do what we seasoned visa holders affectionately refer to as "The Great Visa Run" down to Hong Kong.

My Experience

The Visa Office at Harbour Dr. and Fleming Rd.

The first time I went down to Hong Kong I was a bright eyed young expat with no real clue about what I needed to do to get a visa. I mean, I looked on Google, but the information was vague at best and I was really only left with more questions after I did some research. All I knew was that I had to go to the Chinese Consular Department Office in Hong Kong (right by Wan Chai Subway Station) with my passport and 2 passport photos. When I got there it was complete chaos, there were tons of panicky people running around with even less of a clue than I had about how to renew a Chinese visa. But I just stayed calm, filled out the visa application form, turned in my passport, paid 1100 damn HKD, and came back in a few days to pick up my passport with my brand new visa. Easy peasy. What I had wish I'd known earlier was that there are about 25 million visa services that will do all of this for you for an additional fee. Really quickly before we go on, visa fees vary by nationality, with Americans paying the most for a new visa, you can view the full price list here.

Forever Bright

After I needed to go to Hong Kong for like the 10th time to get a visa I figured I would avoid the hassle and just use a visa service to take care of everything. I searched online and found a lot of different options, some shadier than others, but then I heard from a friend about a visa service she used and was very happy with, Forever Bright. Don't mind the ridiculous sounding name, they are a professional service with English speaking employees, who are actually pretty snooty, but also very helpful. I have used them for my Z visas and for that service they charge 400HKD for a 4 day return, 700HKD for a 2 day return, and I forget exactly how much but around 2000-3000HKD for a same day return if you submit your passport to them before 9:30am. This service is very handy if you need to get back to China quickly for work, but I would suggest taking a few days to see the city and going with the 4 day service so you can have some fun in Hong Kong.

Don't let the visa run to Hong Kong scare or intimidate you; it is something that most of us will end up doing and is sort of a right of passage for expats in China. The first time will honestly be a little nerve racking, but after you have been in China for a few years you will basically become a visa expert. You know what, I'll right a post about the whole process in the near future, so keep a look out!

The Dragon's Tale 

 

No, not as in chasing the dragon; what I mean by this is that we have to come to the end of our brief guide to stuff I wish I knew about living in China sooner. Maybe some of the stuff on the list may be common sense, or known by a lot of expats, and I hope it is, because I was pretty lost concerning the above when I was fresh off the boat. I had a VPN, but didn't know much about their purpose of function, I had no idea where to buy condoms, how to get an STD test, what to do in Hong Kong for a visa; I was a hopeless Tim Budong. So I truly hope that I have been able to help out or provide you with any sort of relevant information. I also hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! If you like what I am doing, hate what I am doing, have any suggestions, criticisms or critiques, please comment on this or any article and let me know. Thanks for reading. Now if you will excuse me, I am off to buy some alligator at Walmart.

What's it Like to Live in China: My Musings (Part 1)

This is probably the most common question that I am asked by friends and family back home, and by newly arrived foreigners here in Beijing. So, what is it like to live in China? I don't know, I have only ever lived in Beijing so I honestly cannot speak to life outside of the great Northern Capital. I have traveled extensively, and I have spent a significant amount of time in Guangdong, so I may know a little more than most, but the more time I spend here the more I come to realize that if anything, I am moving farther away from the truth of life in China.

I believe this because China is a vast nation, full of a myriad of peoples all with different cultures and languages. China is simply a big place, and to claim knowledge about the whole of this wondrous nation is to claim a falsehood. Anyone who says that they can speak to the idea of "life in China", including Chinese people, is probably lying, at least to themselves. How can anyone claim to know what life is like in a country that spans over nine million kilometers, with a population of almost 1.5 billion; a country of steppes, deserts, jungles and plains. A nation of 56 ethnic groups and at least 292 currently spoken languages. A place of literature, opera, martial arts, monumental architecture and a deep history that spans the entirety of the human race. The world is recapitulated within the bounds of China.

What I can speak to, sort of, is what life is like as an American living in Beijing, and it is a truly amazing thing. I have had experiences which I could have not possibly engaged in back home; I have laughed, cried, loved, been sick, healthy, drunk, sober, on subways deep underground and mountain tops that soared into the sky. I have been to high level government functions and low life dive bars. I wake up every morning and look out onto a sea of high rise buildings that stretch for miles to far off beautiful mountain ranges. I take one of the largest subway systems in the world to friends houses, where I walk through neighborhoods that are hundreds of years old, filled with temples that count centuries as we count years. I hear dozens of languages spoken daily, by people from a hundred different cultures exchanging a thousand different ideas. Life in Beijing is life in the truest sense of the word; when a man is tired of Beijing, he is tired of life.

Living here fulfills something in my heart that was lacking in my birth nation, something I can't think to describe. If America was China I lived in 2nd Tier City; not too big, not too small, but not really too much going on in terms of life, culture, the arts or a party scene. I guess it's just that Beijing has what was lacking in my old home, but it can't be just that, there is still something more in the back of my mind telling that Beijing is more than that. I mean, it's Beijing! An ancient capital of two dynasties, a republican government and a communist government. The history is literally dripping off the walls here. The arts scene is great and is filled with countless local bands and traditional artists that explore there talents freely in a city welcoming of such endeavors. And the party scene, well it is damn crazy; bars clubs and everything in between exist here to fulfill the wildest hedonistic dreams of foreigners and locals alike. We have high culture, low life, mega shopping malls and small boutiques, ancient temples and brand new apartment buildings. Beijing has everything that anyone could possibly want or need. I almost forgot about the food; the culinary scene here is nuts. We have all four major styles of Chinese cuisine present in the city, the ubiquitous Peiking Duck, and of course, all the foreign fare you could possibly imagine. I discovered my new favorite cuisine here in Beijing, Pakistani cuisine, something I would have never had the chance to try back home.

Life in Beijing is like life nowhere else on this glorious planet of ours. I love it here, I love it so deeply I cannot imagine how to possibly put into words. Everyday I wake up in Beijing is another day in which I am happy to be alive. I sometimes still cry when I think about the fact that I actually live in Beijing. Like Dr. Seuss said, you know life is good when you don't want to sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Just look at the beauty I am lucky enough to live amongst. I love my city and am proud to call it home.

On the Dreaded and Awful No Why

There is no single phrase in the Chinese or English language as infuriating as 'No Why'. Anyone who has lived in China will immediately recognize the phrase and have thoughts stirred in their mind concerning the times when all they wanted was an explanation or a little bit of information only to met with this ridiculousness. I hate 'no why', I hate it with every fiber of my being, but like winter, I have learned to accept it as a part of life in Beijing.

When I first moved to Beijing several years ago I had a local friend who was very open and honest when asked questions by a dumb fresh foreigner like myself. He was quite candid and understood the world in terms beyond those of many other Chinese people, and had a particular knack for explaining those odd aspects of Chinese culture in Western terms. Him and I would often take smoke breaks together and speak very honestly about our own cultures, and try to honestly answer each others' questions about our own cultures. I was fresh off the boat, so my questions were almost non-stop and revolved around everything from food and sight seeing, to people spitting indoors and certain people relieving themselves in full view of public. He was great, he would take my stupid questions in stride and always offered me great answers and advice that made living in China then and now much easier.

He would often laugh at my questions, and asked me why I was so curious about what he thought were odd topics, but he always answered me as best he could, and as honestly as he could. But one day as we were speaking he said this to me: "You have been here for a few months now, and understand China a little bit better, but something you have to know about living here is that the less you ask 'why', the easier your life will be". I asked him what he meant and he told me that most Chinese people don't think in such terms as Americans do; there is no 'why', things exist they way they are because that is the way they are supposed to be. When I stopped asking 'why' all the time, I could stop focusing on cultural and societal aspects I didn't understand and start living life. But I couldn't accept what he told me, I am curious by nature and if someone tells me not to ask 'why', then my want to know 'why' grows exponentially.

I have never stopped asking 'why' as long as have been here, but the more Chinese people I meet and the more of the language I learn, the more I encounter the infamous 'no why'. I just want to know 'why' certain things exist the way the do, nothing has arisen miraculously un-evloved in its' most current form, everything evolves and comes from something which existed earlier, so there needs must be an answer to every 'why' I could ever think to ask. But not in the minds of many people I have met in Beijing.

9 times out of 10 when I ask a local a 'why' question I am immediately met with a 'no why', which makes me want to go on a "No Why Rampage" across this city. Let's look at some recent highlights of the 'no why' extravaganza that is my life in Beijing:

Me: "Why is there a separation between the color qing and the color blue?"
Girlfriend: "No why."

Me: "Why is there no cover over the stairwell into the subway station? Every time it rains it floods the subway here."
Subway Employee: "No why."

Me: "Why are you cutting those plastics bags in half?"
Friend: "No why."

Me: "Why aren't you serving these dishes today?"
Waitress: "No why."

Me: "Why are they beating that man?"
Bystander: "No why."

So I must surmise that the Chinese people just wanted two words for the same color, the subway department of Beijing doesn't care about subway flooding, my friends likes to cut plastic bags in half for no reason, restaurants have a random schedule of dishes served, and that bouts of random violence occur in Beijing...

I just want to know why, is that so much to ask? I think it must be. So why are Chinese people so adverse to answering 'why' questions? Well, no why.

On Life in The Heart of Darkness and Toxic Expats

Though I think the term 'Heart of Darkness' was adeptly use to describe the setting of Conrad's novella, I believe that it describes Beijing equally well. This city is constantly polluted, dreary, filled with misanthropic people and counterfeit products; it can all be very disappointing and underwhelming. But when confronted with such thoughts concerning the negative aspects of life in this city, I have to remind myself that I am often guilty of projecting my inner negative feelings onto the world at large. I also have to remember that I live in Beijing, so Beijing is an easy target for me to project my negative thoughts and feelings on. Finally I must understand that Beijing houses a culture, language and people much different from my own, and it is no one's fault but my own when I can't cope with my own negativity.

I have been wanting to pen something along these lines for quite sometime, as I constantly meet people that have lived in China for years but seem to despise it. Such expats have always blown my mind; why would you go on living in a place that you hate, especially since you are a foreigner and can leave whenever you would like? If I could slip back into negativity for a moment: I think those people are simply bitter because they have realized that they are unemployable in their countries of origin and must remain in China is they wish to work a non-entry level job for the rest of their lives.

I have lived in Beijing for 3.5 years and in that time I have met some of the most amazing, fun, intelligent, crazy, wild, beautiful, amazing expats from around the globe. They have taught about life in China and in general, about love and relationships, about navigating Chinese culture, and also about what bars have the best booze, where I could buy legitimate non-counterfeit condoms, and how to stay out of a Chinese prison. 99% of these people have become my friends because they are awesome in their own right and have much to teach, and I of course enjoy their company. But the other 1% of expats I have met are those that give the rest of us a bad name because they do nothing but wallow in their own self pity, all the while defaming China and its' people.

Life here can be wonderful if you let it be; this is China, after all! When I walk around Beijing I pass brand new Starbuck's across the street from 1000 year old temples. In Beijing over the course of one day I hear languages spoken from all over this planet, I see people from far off countries I will never visit, I eat at wonderful restaurants and experience cuisine from all over this planet. I also meet wonderful local and foreign people that make my time here truly worth living. So what is it about some expats that turns them toxic? What is so bad about the land of the dragon that would make someone hate their adoptive nation?

I admit, I have "bad China days", we all do. Sometimes I hate everyone and everything in this country, but then I just need to remind myself that I am projecting my negative inner thoughts onto Beijing, eat some American food, and watch some Always Sunny and such thoughts pass pretty quickly.

So again, what is it exactly that causes such hatred towards this amazing place in some expats? I assume a large portion of the hatred comes from the end of the honeymoon period that most, if not all, expats experience after first having moved to a new country. My honeymoon period lasted for about the first 10 or 12 months after I arrived in Beijing; I loved Beijing and was enamored by the Chinese culture and people daily, I couldn't get enough of it. But after that period ended in my mind I didn't slip into oppression as I had a good job, a great network of friends, and an amazing girlfriend. All of this worked to help me cope with the fact that I was just living in China, not some mythical magical wonderland wherein I could fulfill all of my expat fantasies. I have, however, see some people crash and burn after the end of the honeymoon; most of them simply left and went back home, but some of them hung around and let the ensuing negativity rule there lives.

Another major reason for the toxic expat phenomena is that many of us come here with grand ideas in our minds ranging from sexpat fantasies and conquering the Orient, to living life in a quaint, culturally and technologically backwards country where we will be viewed as some kind of foreign god. I have to admit, when I first came here I had no conception of modern China and thought I was coming to a hutong filled city where martial artists where going to be flying from rooftop to rooftop engaging in epic sword fights; I thought I was coming to the set of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I wasn't totally disappointed as I get my fair share of hutong revelry, but I do still sort of wish that I was in early 20th century Beijing as opposed to 2016 Beijing. Even now I have fantasies about living in times long past. But I have never allowed such wants to affect how I feel about living in modern Beijing, because at the end of the day I live in one of the most amazing cities in the whole world; I live in Beijing, one of the great capitols of this planet.

A large number of complaints I see arising from toxic expats concern race and culture, not their own of course, but the race and culture of the Chinese people. This sort of post-colonial racism always blew my mind; if they hate Chinese people then why are they living in China? I have to imagine that such racism isn't born inside them after they move here, I would imagine that such racist thoughts have always existed inside their hearts yet only grow after they have lived in China for some time. These people make me insane and sicken me, how dare they harbor racist thoughts against the people of their host country, and how dare they voice those thoughts to other expats that only wish to live here in peace. If you have spent any time in the bar scene around Yong He Yong, you will inevitably run into people like this: the expats that bitch and moan about how backwards and rude the Chinese people are, about how the food is awful, the government corrupt, the city filthy. I do think some of these things sometimes, not overtly racist thoughts, but about the people being rude and the city being filthy. But, as always, I have to remind myself that I am not Chinese, that no matter how long I live here I will always be a tourist in their culture, and I cannot possibly understand their motives in terms of their actions within the context of Chinese culture.

I am honestly running out of fuel talking about this; I don't even know why I wanted to write this article in the first place because I am getting angry about these toxic expats. But a long time ago I learned not to associate with such people anymore; one of the things that makes this city so wonderful is the group of amazing friends I have, they truly make life worth living in Beijing.

Forgive the Weird Writing Style, For Now.

It has been a very, very long time since I have written in this sort of essay format, so forgive me if I trail off at times or if the writing just seems a bit weird. Give me a couple more posts to find my voice and really settle back into this style; I promise that every article I post will be better than the last.

Thanks for reading, I really do appreciate your time.

- Joseph

Just Another Article About Weird Food in China

We have all seen these articles a million times; the intrepid and adventurous Western traveler prowling China in search of odd and exotic culinary items. I honestly think such articles are pretty stupid and all to easy to write, the only reason I am doing one of my own is because I win the contest of "Which Foreigner Has Eaten the Weirdest Stuff in China", I win it every time.

"So, Joseph, since you're either a jackass or some kind of expert, what is the weirdest thing you have ever eaten in China?", you may be currently asking yourself.

Placenta. BOOM. I win.

I have eaten human being, human placenta, specifically, which is disgusting and is not something I recommend. I had placenta the first time I visited my girlfriend's parent's house down in Guangdong. We had quite a lovely meal whose main course was a soup that contained something that looked like an old brown hand towel. It had the consistency of jellyfish, and tasted like mushrooms as they were being used to add flavor to the soup. I though it was stomach or intestines, and I didn't want to be rude, so I ate a few bowls of that monstrosity. Mysteriously, during dinner everybody had forgotten how to speak English and couldn't tell me what this item was which we were eating. Even more mysterious, is that everyone also forgot how to say the name of the dish in Mandarin and could only do so in Cantonese. Of course, when the meal was over, linguistic abilities returned to my girlfriend and her family and they proceeded to tell me that I had just eaten human. I know it is not full blown human like brain or liver, but I think I now reserve the right to refer to myself as a cannibal, which I proudly do. I later learned that eating placenta is illegal in Guangdong in an effort to stop the spread of HIV/Aids. And yes, I am clean, thank Buddha, but this boy isn't taking anymore chances with human products again. You know what, I take that back, I wouldn't eat placenta again, but I am crazy enough to try some meat.

Let's see, what's next? I have eaten pagolin, cobra, dog, star fish, deep sea isopod, mice, various insects, an albino sea turtle, giant salamander, and every single organ contained in a cow and chicken, except cow brain (I am convinced that prionic encephalopathy will jump species and cause a zombie outbreak in humans), but I have had chicken brains (tasted like liver).

Let's start with pangolin, since they will be extinct soon anyway. Pangolin tasted very gamey, and I can't really compare it to anything I have had before. Maybe it could be said pangolin tastes like venison, or perhaps field mouse, but that still doesn't accurately describe the taste. I really can't describe it; pangolin tastes like pangolin. It was pretty good, I would eat again if it weren't going extinct, but I would not have eaten it if I knew what it was when it was being served, as once again, everyone mysteriously forgot how to speak English when I started questioning the dish... My Chinese friends are adept at selective English, just as I am a master of selective Chinese.

I have had cobra on several occasions, and many other types of snake. It is gross and can be described as similar to eel in taste and texture, but very slimey, and after a few bites I always feel like I am going to vomit. Cobra whiskey, on the other hand, is fantastic; and just so you know, I started drinking cobra whiskey before they talked about it on Archer (sorry for my obligatory Beijing hipster assholishness...)! I don't know that I actually like the whiskey, or the idea of the whiskey, as it is made by gutting a cobra (except for brains and venom sac) and then just sticking the whole thing in a jar full of booze. Pretty cool, right? Plus, according to my Chinese friends, it gives men super erection powers, longevity, good fortune, the power of flight, x-ray vision and lycanthropy. So I got that going for me.

Let's do one more, then I am done with this easy piece: deep sea isopod. I bet most of you don't even know what this disgusting creature from the depths of hell is, do you? Go hit up Google real quick, and see for yourself. These disgusting creatures, like all disgusting creatures, are eaten by Guangdongers, because, as they often tell me, it is their mission in life to eat one of every animal; they aren't kidding about that, either. Now, I did know what I was eating when this dish was set down on the table, but cobra whiskey is known to cloud a man's judgment, and I just thought "What the hell?". It tasted like old crab that was on the verge of going bad with a hint of smoke and salt. The texture was like the feathery gills inside a crab in that you could never really crush it up with your teeth, you just kind of chewed until it was worn down enough to swallow with chocking to death. That, in addition to larval cicadas, was the most disgusting thing I have ever had the misfortune of eating.

Well that about wraps up this fluff piece. I might do another one later because I really love eating chicken hearts, goose liver, intestines and heart, and dog; all of which is found no where near the average American dinner table, and I want to spread the word about a few of my new favorite dishes.

Job Hunting in Beijing is a Royal Pain (if you don't want to teach English)

I have been living and working in Beijing for the past 3.5 years, and in that time I have had several really awesome jobs: part-time real estate consultant, which I am still engaged in, author/editor at one of the largest publishing houses in Asia, and overseas marketing specialist at a fun and faced paced mobile app company. I have really loved every job I have had in Beijing, but right now it seems to be tough to find something for which I would be well suited. I believe it is because of the particular time; it seems that may companies are unwilling to hire new positions until after Spring Festival, but I am growing increasingly tired of waiting and wish to start working and producing again, immediately. But I will find a new and exciting career for myself, just I had done in the past, as I have really enjoyed the work I have been apart of since arriving in Beijing; consulting, publishing and marketing have all been a blast.

As a real estate consultant I get to travel Beijing and meet different and interesting people from all over the planet. I especially love this job because it is an experience in learning and patience, for as Bill Nye famously said "Everyone you meet knows something you don't"; what the good Mr. Nye didn't mention was that  newly arrived peoples in a foreign city often expect amenities from home that simply don't exist in China (or, well, they don't exist at their salary level in China...). That brief musing would be my only complaint: Americans, myself included, often forget that the world doesn't revolve around us, which leads the ones who are fresh off the boat to expect that they will continue to live in the exact same conditions as back home. This can often lead to a rude awakening, but the honeymoon phase has to end sometime, right? For many here in Beijing it ends when they get their first apartment. And that isn't to say I place people in bad or run down apartments, quite the opposite, in fact; we strive to place our clients in safe and clean living environments, and only show apartments that we, ourselves, would live in. It is just that some clients expect a brand new apartment that has never been lived in, gated (of course), with heated floors, a bath tub, a gym with a swimming pool, a gorgeous park, 2 minutes walking distance from the subway and a pizzeria nearby all for under 3500RMB per month. And just so you know, that was an actual request I once received. But despite that not even being my craziest request, I still love the job, because I love people, and being a real estate consultant allows me to meet new people constantly. The one thing it doesn't allow for is me to follow my true passion of writing, this is where the publishing job (and this blog) comes in.


Working in the publishing industry was fun, it was awesome actually; I had the freedom to work at my own pace, and define most of what I was doing. There was very little oversight, but in a good way, I was given tasks and a general time frame to complete them within, but the creative process and the creation of content was generally left up to me, except when I was just editing, but that wasn't a big deal. It was a big deal one time when my employers wouldn't stop referring to Jeremy Lin as an "American Born Chinese" in print, which drives me nuts. Jeremy Lin is American, plain and simple, just like me. I am not a "European Born American", or even a "Polish Born American", I am just an American and I hate when people try and qualify that. But even beyond that, I am a human being, at the end of the day does it really matter what damn country we are from? No, it doesn't matter at all. Ok, sorry about that, back to the job stuff. Working in Publishing allowed to me to publish books, which is super cool to see your name or your pen name on the cover of an actual book. For a writer it is a truly amazing feeling and something that sticks with you for life. I eventually had to leave that job as I had reached the ceiling in terms of employment there; it was a Chinese government owned company, so all managerial staff were Han Chinese and members of the CPC, and try hard as I might, I can never be a Han Chinese person or member of the CPC, so it was time to find something new.

I fortuitously found new employment as a marketing specialist with a tech company just as I was considering leaving the world of publishing. I was very lucky and kind of pulled that job out of thin air for myself, I still don't know how I did it... That job was an amazing learning experience; I learned how to use a computer, really truly how to use a computer; gone were the days of email, porno and reddit, now I can write in HTML and CSS, I started using Linux and forsook Windows, I can even run a terminal emulator in my phone the edit the code and adjust the kernal, for instance. I learned at that company, not just about computers, but about marketing, as well. I learned that I loved marketing, I love studying consumer habits and social trends, then leveraging that knowledge to create content that engages users and brings about a greater brand awareness. Digital marketing is just plain old fun, I really enjoyed it and now I really miss it. My contract with that company ended just as they had decided not to directly market to Western nations in light of a slow return on investments, so unfortunately there was no reason to renew my contract. I would have liked to stay with them, but the position was no longer necessary. And what are you gonna do? That's life, I guess.

So here I am, chilly and jobless in good old Beijing. Trying to find a professional career is, itself, a full time job. If I wanted, I could have a teaching job yesterday, but I am not a teacher and I don't like to be around children all day, especially those poor Chinese children being tortured by their parents to learn a language they would rather not, at an age where they should be playing and acting like children, not little automatons that exist only to make their families look good, but that's a post for another time. Either way, I want to work, regardless of needing to work to make money and live I just miss working. I miss having that purpose in my life, I miss setting and achieving professional goals, I don't necessarily miss the office environment but I do miss the comradery that I shared with my fellow employees, and I really miss that paycheck! I miss it, all of it.

I have been up and down every job board available, I have been on several interviews, but still haven't found anything that would make me happy. I am not just looking for a job anymore, but a career, and one in an industry that I am passionate about so that I may pour my passion and love into the work. I know I will find something, I always do, but right now sooner is better than later as it is time I re-enter the work force.

I started this blog a few years ago with the grand idea that I would chronicle my adventures in China and show off my life in Beijing to the world, that very quickly fell apart because I am lazy, I hardly take pictures of anything, and I have simply been too busy living my life to keep track off it in blog form. But for some reason I want to begin the blog again. The form of the blog will change a bit; instead of just my travels this blog will contain a myriad of topics all revolving around China and what it means to live here as a foreigner.

This change in my attitude came about because I love to write, I do so almost everyday, and writing on a blog allows my essays to be immediately published and available for your reading pleasure. I also need to bitch and moan about stuff every once in a while, and this is a great outlet to do so through as I can avoid being an asshole to my girlfriend, friends and family.

Otherwise, that is about it. I will start to post weekly about China-related topics that interest and amuse me.